Struggling for the perfect relationship? Here’s what you need to know.
Relationships are tricky and ultimately teach us a lot about ourselves…that is if we’re willing to be open to change, grow, and cultivate healthier relationships.
I’ve been married and divorced. I’ve lost many friendships along the way which I didn’t grasp at the time. I’ve learned a great deal over the years especially as a personal development coach trained by world masters in eastern and western traditions. So, I’m going to share understandings about relationships from both my professional and personal experiences. These tips can contribute to better relationships of all kinds whether with your spouse or partner, kids, friends, or work associates. Most of the suggestions apply to all relationships.
PRECONCEPTIONS
We all have pasts along with hurts that we’ve experienced along the journey of life. We all seek love, acceptance, and respect. So first, be mindful and conscious in your relationships. Be aware of reactions that you might have to what someone says or how they say it or something they do.
Let’s consider that perhaps they cancelled plans at the last minute or they’re late to meet you and it makes you feel disrespected. These actions often trigger old emotional baggage in you that makes you feel unappreciated or undervalued. Your reactions are the problem, not their actions.
Let me share an experience I had many years ago with my husband at the time, way before all my trainings. I was waiting for him at a restaurant that we had agreed to meet at a certain time. He was late, extremely late, and I was getting angrier and angrier by the minute that he forgot about me and wasn’t honoring my time. Furthermore, I was very hungry. So, my hunger and anger blinded me from just accepting the moment. I wasted energy on anger which eventually turned to compassion as he finally arrived and announced that he’d had an accident when a deer ran in front of our jeep, and he couldn’t stop. He assured me that he was fine but neither the jeep nor the deer were in particularly good shape. Mind you, this was way before cell phones so I’m dating myself!
My point is that we often react rather than respond. We’re often thrown into an analysis of what does this mean about me or for me and are my needs being met. Right? In most cases, another’s behavior is not about us nor represents any intentional affront.
So, communication is of paramount importance. But it’s not just talking to one another, it’s truly about listening. It’s about taking the time to be there to fully understand someone else’s perceptive, feelings and interests. When you feel mad or hurt by someone’s behavior, ask yourself: “What else can this mean?” If I had stopped to consider that something might have happened to my husband, I might not have endured the levels of anger that rose within me and wouldn’t have felt so foolish when I found out what transpired.
In fact, many of us have knee-jerk communications. We develop habits such as asking our spouse or significant other a superficial question at the end of each day like “How was your day?” Instead, we can nurture our relationships more by asking more thoughtful, probing questions like “What challenged you the most today?” Or “What made you feel the best today?” Cultivate authentic interest in your partner’s experiences. Listen.
HAPPINESS
This next one is a biggie and the essence of good relationships. It is critical that you work on yourself. Develop passion about your life and cultivate a balanced life in which you create happiness for yourself. You cannot give to others what isn’t flowing through you. Happiness is an inside job and you become far more attractive in a relationship when you exhibit joy and wellbeing.
As a woman, I’ve realized that men genuinely want their mate to be happy. A man’s innate intention (sometimes perceived by them as their responsibility or job) is to give their woman/partner a sense of security and love. If their mate is happy, they feel successful. The old, hackneyed adage surprisingly makes sense: “Happy wife. Happy life.”
Whether man or woman, as you work on yourself, it’s important to develop your love muscle. If you want more love, be loving. If you want trust, be trustworthy. If you want respect, be respectful. The law of reciprocity — and law of attraction — will bring back to you what you give. So, give what you want to get but without attachment. In other words, let go of expectations. Give to someone you care about because it yields pleasure for you not because you want something in return. Be unconditional in your relationships and be honest and real with yourself. As Oscar Wilde once said: Be yourself, everyone else is taken.” Be the partner or friend you’d want to have in your life.
RESPONSIBILITY
In challenging situations, the way you deal with a situation may be totally different than your friend or mate. Respect their nature. Being judgmental or even jealous can create conflict and resistance. Be you and let them be who they are. You can learn and grow from letting go. And know that you cannot change anyone else. You are not responsible for anyone else. You are only responsible for you, and you can only change YOU and your reactions.
That said, you can ask for what you want, especially in intimate relationships. Sometimes there’s disappointment but your lover is not a mind reader, so you need to demonstrate or ask for what pleases you. In relationships, it’s helpful to be receptive to trying new experiences which can add zest and excitement. Here again, communication is important.
ACCEPTANCE
Arguments are fertile ground for growth. You don’t need to agree but it’s helpful to work on understanding and acceptance. I totally appreciate the cartoon in which two people are standing on opposite sides of a number. The number is a 6 or 9, depending on which side the person is positioned. And one person comments: “To me it’s a 9. Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean I’m wrong. You’re not seeing it from my perspective.”
Clearly, it’s not about being RIGHT or WRONG. It’s more about being heard and accepting another’s point of view even if it doesn’t match your own. Their experiences have contributed to their perspective. Honor that. And be aware. When conflicts or disagreements arise, be kind and understanding rather than reactive and defensive. Often, it’s not about you but about something they’re going through. It helps to table your ego and truly hear what they’re upset or worried about.
Although sometimes you can agree to disagree! I’ve been in a committed relationship for over nine years. Over the last few years of political divisions in the United States, we were hit hard because we sat on opposite ends of the spectrum. We love and care for each other deeply, but we had to agree that we disagree and chose not to have political discussions. Political conversations were just off the table to keep peace at home. I admit it was — and continues to be — challenging but we care too much about one another to allow external influences to disrupt our commitment which in every other respect is blissful.
REINFORCEMENT
Every day, it is essential that you reinforce how you feel about the relationship. In my case, my guy is so demonstrative that he does something awesome daily to show me his love for me. It’s intoxicating and naturally encourages me to want to do more for him. In fact, when we were first dating, I commented that we’re both such givers and so generous that one of us must learn to receive. Without missing a beat, he asserted: “Well it will have to be you.” And indeed, I’ve had to learn to receive, to accept so many gifts over the years from nightly dinners that he loves to cook to weekly roses to my car filled with gas. He is constantly showing me how much he cares, and he always wants to make my life better. So, he nurtures our relationship for which I am divinely grateful and feel extremely fortunate.
Of course, relationships can hit bumps in the road along the way or get into lazy behaviors. Avoid the trap of taking your partner or friend for granted. If that happens, go back to your early memories of the relationship. Remember the early days and the things you used to do for your partner or friend. Reignite those things and add new ones. Build your repertoire and expand your recipe for a healthy relationship.
ATTACHMENT
A final thought you may wish to consider. Sometimes, the fear of losing a relationship can cause great angst and a level of neediness or insecurity that undermines the relationship. So, three characteristics to cultivate are the following: trust, commitment, and openness to grow. Let go of attachment to an outcome and be present and joyful in the present of what is.
We are all on an evolutionary path. I encourage you to view life — and relationships — as an adventure. May all your relationships be filled with happiness and love.
Want to listen to this information in my Talk About Healthy Living podcast? It takes only 10 minutes. Tune in. Or check out the podcast on Spotify, iheart Radio, Pandora, Amazon music, etc.!
